The Woes of A Lactose Intolerant Dinner Guest

It is hard to bring your lactose intolerance to someone else's house for dinner.  Lactose Intolerance makes for the most rude and obnoxious dinner guest.  Unlike the safe confines of one's own home, at a party, it is hard to avoid milk products and even harder to ask a hostess for a list of ingredients before you partake of her cooking.  No one thinks to ask if a guest has lactose intolerance as they might with a food allergy and if you are like me, you find it hard to bring the subject up to people who you don't know intimately.  A discussion of lactose intolerance often encourages the question, "what happens when you have milk?" and who really wants to explain THAT to an acquaintance.  One small lactose intolerance talk can turn awkward in a hurry.  Not to mention a little rude, considering that the hostess has kindly offered to cook for you in the first place, and is going to feel badly that you can not eat what she has prepared.

I've had all sorts of luck at dinner parties.  I'm pretty good at guessing ingredients without much fanfare.  Appetizers are a breeze.  Main dishes are often fine and it's easy to fake being full instead of taking that cream-laden dessert plate.  Sometimes its easier if the host has no clue that you ARE lactose intolerant.  You can skip food without causing much fuss.

Really, it's the people who know you are lactose intolerant that pose the most problems.  I can put these people into three categories:  those people who know you are lactose intolerant and go out of their way to buy/use lactaid milk and avoid anything else you might have issues with (I won't bother writing about them);  those people who believe that you are lactose intolerant but don't realize how vigilant you have to be;  and those people who think lactose intolerance is a bunch of hooey and go out of their way to stick milk into dishes to prove that you don't really have a problem.  I've encountered those last two types of people more than I'd care to admit.

Let's start with the people who believe that milk is your enemy.  After all, these are the good guys - your friends and neighbors who want to be accommodating and kind.  I know these people are going out of their way to find something to serve that I can eat and they have my best intentions in mind but avoiding milk is not as easy as you would think.  How many times have I been offered a fancy baked dish that the host assures me I can eat because it's "a simple bechamel sauce."  Um.  Did you use Lactaid Milk in that simple bechamel sauce?  Because if you didn't, I'm going to be spending most of the evening in the bathroom.  I've also been shown a lasagna that has been made In My Lactose Intolerant Honor which I have to pass on since ricotta cheese is like kryptonite to my stomach.  I hate having to point out that I can't eat ALL cheeses and I'm never sure how to sit at a table and pass up the main course that someone has made especially for me?  How do you remain kind and polite without embarrassing the host?  It's quite the quandary.

I know.  These are Princess Problems.  I am extremely grateful to be fed anything at all and I love a good night out with my friends.  I don't mean to complain.  I just wish there was some way to avoid milky foods without making a fuss or drawing attention to myself.

I CAN complain about the third group of dinner party hosts:  the nonbelievers.  These are the kind of people who think that you are weak if you get a common cold.  These are the kinds of people who fear not the ecoli-laden spinach salad or undercooked turkey filled with stuffing.  These are the kinds of people whom stomach ailments never bother and they do not understand how something as simple as milk could possible annoy you.  These people do not believe in Lactose Intolerance and when dining at their house, you must have Constant Vigilance.

On more than one occasion, I have been offered food -- mostly desserts - that I have been assured "has no milk" or worse yet "has milk, but I used Lactaid" only to find myself doubled over in pain a short time later.  It is while in the bathroom, cursing that chocolate cake, that I realize that I've been fooled.  I never fall for the same trick twice.  I may be too polite to confront the person (thus leaving them with the misconception that I AM indeed just pretending about the whole lactose intolerance thing), but I never accept anything uncertain to eat from their hands ever again.  You know the expression... fool me twice....

How do you handle dinner parties and your lactose intolerance?  Any suggestions?